The Pacific Index

Zombies: ‘Hide yo kids, hide yo wife’

Katie Sipos

The infection ensues...

Uncle Jiggles

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Something nefarious has brewed in the blood of Pacific University students. Early eyewitness accounts tell of a new outbreak of the T-4 zombie virus on the Forest Grove undergraduate campus.

Pacific’s resident zombie expert David DeMoss has studied and taught about zombies for many years.

Of the recent outbreak DeMoss said, “This type of virus seems to be slow-moving. Many of the mannerisms of college students make it hard to determine if a person is infected or not. Sluggish behavior, slow reaction time, glazed eyes. It could be a zombie or a burnt-out freshmen, it’s really hard to tell.”

The Pacific Index’s very own Managing Editor Katie Sipos was one of the first victims of the latest outbreak.

“We knew something was up with her when she starting munching on couch guy Christian Demko’s head instead of the tasty Cornerstone burgers we got for our layout night,” said Executive Editor Hailey Hawkins.

Raised in rural Wyoming, zombie survival tactics were a part of everyday life, so Hawkins swiftly dealt with the newly-zombiefied Sipos.

The symptoms first appeared several days after Sipos tried to donate for the Phi Lambda Omicron blood drive on March 10. It is believed that the spread of the virus is a part of a large sorority conspiracy, the intent of which is unclear at this time.

Philo president Devenie Harris could not be reached for comment.

Chances are, local Jamba Juice stations around the Portland-Metro area are also at risk for infection. Any baked goods that may appear at future Philo bake sales are suspect.

“This outbreak has been slow to spread because the virus’s progression is stunted by warmer weather and direct sunlight,” said DeMoss, “but this latest outbreak now presents an even graver threat to students as they return from sunnier climates. If spring doesn’t come soon, it may spell doom for Pacific.”

 

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