Get ready to plaster your dorm room walls with any red and pink color you can find because the most important day in every emotional masochist’s life has arrived: Hallmark Appreciation, sorry, my mistake, St. Valentine’s Day.
This is the part where whoever is reading this feels their stomach drop because they realize they only have 96 hours to create a perfectly accurate night so their partner does not threaten them with separation by the time the 15th rolls around. Do not worry, freshman, I am sure the lovely person that you met the first day in your First Year Seminar [FYS] class will find the cheesy ramen and wilting rose petals on your mini fridge endearing.
I am sorry if I am ruining your optimism on this ever-great holiday. I am sure that whatever you have been planning for the last two weeks will receive all of the appreciation it deserves. Or, you know, get written off as basic actions that you are simply obligated to do or else risk getting labeled as a “Grade A Jackass.”
Does no one else find it incredibly strange that it is like this? Is it not weird that one bad Paper Heart Day will make you disregard all of those other devoted study sessions, tear-soaked shoulders, cuddle moments, apartment hunting, hug-fests, Christmas moments and throwing shoes over that well-known tree on all of the other days of the year? Does it really only take a forgotten card to ruin it all?
Then there is the other side of the spectrum: the singles population. Haven’t we all had that moment of dread right before walking into Fred Meyer’s or Safeway because we know we are going to get bombarded with the eyes of sweet stuffed animals staring into us, mocking us and our lack of monogamy? Do not even bother looking at the Pepto- Bismol. It will just make things worse.
Unfortunately, this sometimes ends in one of two ways: either said single person spending the night in their physics book trying to suppress how bitter they feel, or said single person joining/throwing an Anti- Valentine’s Day party where the decorations consist of either broken heart-shapes or leftover Halloween stuff.
Let me make it clear for anyone who is questioning, this day is as bloated as the cheap chickens in the store that they inject with saltwater. The sooner we realize this, the better.
For that one half of a couple, the other days in February are just as important of showing your person how much you care as this one. Especially Feb. 29. That one’s always a game changer.
And for the others that are isolated by this holiday, there is nothing wrong with being the one chopstick that stands in solitude. At least their stomachs are are the ones less likely to be destroyed from all the chocolate.
It is a day with a name, that you cannot even get work off for. That is all it is.
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