The Pacific Index

‘Poo-Pourri’ product: Pacific Bookstore makes available for all

Tyler Brown

April 4, 2016

Ladies and Gentlemen, how many times has this happened to you? You are on that big first date with a hopeful significant other and all of the sudden, you feel the Manhattan Project hit your lower intestine. You are stuck with...

Experiments turn people into lab rats

Chocolate Rain

April 1, 2016

It looks like the thesis presentations for exercise science majors will have to be postponed. The significant amount of student fatalities from the experimental case studies have resulted in the number of presentations on Seni...

Pouncey heads to NBA

Tickle Me Dave

April 1, 2016

Pacific basketball superstar Devon Pouncey has announced that he will give up his remaining eligibility with the Boxers and enter the professional basketball draft.When reminded that he had no eligibility left Pouncey said he would...

Pacific Introduces money-saving vocational classes

Dave Cassady

April 1, 2016

Pacific University has announced the creation of an effort to boost university finances. In a message from the administration the school announced the formation of a for-profit educational branch, the Pacific Institute for Moneymaki...

Boersma apologizes for lack of everything

Garissa Keorge

April 11, 2013

It’s happening, folks. Professor Dave Boersma has finally come clean and admitted fault. After apologizing for the Center for Peace and Spirituality’s lack of recognition for all belief systems around campus last holiday...

Pacific welcomes army barracks to increase housing availability

Cave Dassady

April 11, 2013

The federal government cutback of military spending is turning out to be a gold mine for Pacific. Pacific University president Lesley Hallick announced that Pacific will be acquiring a variety of abandoned building from various...

Boxer athletes dabble with drugs

Striklas Neng

April 11, 2013

In a recent turn of events, six Pacific University Boxers from five different sports tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. Juniors Bruce Balcita, of the wrestling team, and Troy Zuroske, of the men’s tennis team,...

Bed bug infestation in res hall becomes too much: administrators decide to burn down Walter

Kitty Foxx

March 31, 2011

With an unrelenting stream of continuing bed bug outbreaks, Pacific’s administrative officials have decided they are left with no other choice: it’s time to burn down Walter Hall. Residents are advised to abandon all th...

Speak up, be heard.
April Fools