The Pacific Index

Bed bug infestation in res hall becomes too much: administrators decide to burn down Walter

Kitty Foxx

March 31, 2011

Filed under April Fools

With an unrelenting stream of continuing bed bug outbreaks, Pacific’s administrative officials have decided they are left with no other choice: it’s time to burn down Walter Hall. Residents are advised to abandon all th...

ABG speaks to the Index!

Kitty Foxx

March 31, 2011

Filed under April Fools

After 20-plus years of silence and “no-comment,” psychology professor Alyson Burns-Glover spoke to The Pacific Index. As Index journalist Hailey Hawkins walked through a crowded hallway, Burns-Glover is reported to have bumped int...

Celebrities compete to headline at Legends Golf Tournament

Jezebel Frenzy

March 31, 2011

Filed under April Fools

Pacific University could very well see fake tans and tiger blood sometime in its future. After hearing about the success of last year’s Pacific University Legends Golf Classic two celebrities, Nicole Polizzi, a.k.a. Snooki ...

Professor’s arsenal of bribery expands to include booze

Grand Pimp Master D. Diddy Casadonk

March 31, 2011

Filed under April Fools

Philosophy Professor David Boersema said he would follow the lead of other faculty members and result to bribes to get students to enroll in his classes. “Chris Wilkes serves his students tea and cake,” said Boersema, “...

Campus internet down after UIS forgets to reset password, Pacific goes back to dial-up

Dick Hammersly

March 31, 2011

Filed under April Fools

All broadband internet traffic at Pacific University came to a screeching halt Thursday, as UIS staff members forgot to renew its set-to-expire password and became locked out of its own system indefinitely. The lockout, which ...

New name oddly accurate for PU science campus: cuts out excess fat in title

Grand Pimp Master D. Diddy Casadonk

March 31, 2011

Filed under April Fools

With the restructuring of the College of Arts and Sciences, a name change will also occur, Pacific University President Lesley Hallick announced Caturday. Starting next year, the college will be known as the “College of Scienc...

Student held captive under U.C.

Cleopatra Starr

March 31, 2011

Filed under April Fools

A Pacific student was missing March 30, according to unidentified officials.  Index reporters attempted to acquire the name of the student, but were continually told that under FERPA, the name could not be given. According t...

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