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CPS selling confiscated contraband

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In an attempt to supplement Pacific University’s overall budget and increase funds in the University’s deflated party planning account, the Campus Public Safety (CPS) team has started selling confiscated drugs and alcohol to members of the community from their main office on the Forest Grove campus.

“We have an old scooter, beer, ping-pong balls, hemp, drug paraphernalia and comic books, all on sale at a great price and for a great cause,” a CPS officer said. “We had all this stuff lying around the office anyway, after years of confiscating things from students, so we thought might as well use some of it to help pay off the bills.”

According to University officials, the new store front is already booming with business and is a completely legitimate operation, having already been licensed and certified by the City of Forest Grove.

Potential names for the new business are still being discussed, though CPS officers have narrowed it down to “The Joint Committee” or “Hash Chasers.”

“We’re still out their protecting our students and keeping the campus safe” a CPS officer said. “But every now and then we’ll take a shift at the front counter and try to sell as much merchandise as we can. This month’s top seller gets a brand new golf cart!”

Though CPS officers have been instructed not to sell merchandise back to Pacific students, some Boxers have gone to great lengths to get their lost goods back.

“We had a kid come in here wearing a trench coat atop his friend’s shoulders, with a fake moustache, sunglasses and all,” a CPS officer said. “I was so impressed with their dedication, I gave them my employee discount instead of showing them the door.”

Pacific’s newest business has not been all good though, as several students have complained the new store front is causing too much of a distraction throughout the school week. And destroying the school’s overall aesthetic.

“I just want things to return to how they originally were,” one Pacific student said. “CPS is trying too hard to be the cool cousin now, when they should go back to being our concerned protective parents.”

CPS officials have said they will continue to operate the store front until they sell out of merchandise or until they have made enough funds to buy an interior hot tub, whichever comes first.

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