The Pacific Index

‘Poo-Pourri’ product: Pacific Bookstore makes available for all

Tyler Brown

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Ladies and Gentlemen, how many times has this happened to you? You are on that big first date with a hopeful significant other and all of the sudden, you feel the Manhattan Project hit your lower intestine.

You are stuck with the dilemma of pinching it in or laying the world’s most elegant fudge dragon in the restaurant’s porcelain kingdom. Well students, fear no more as Pacific University will now have Poo-Pourri available in the bookstore.

Personally, I like it after pushing out a nice meaty steak, one to three spritzs and your big brown snowman will be smelling like lavender. The bookstore will provide three separate scents, Bonerific Berry, Vanishing Vanilla, and one that I use a lot of, Toxic Waste Removal.

My roommates used to complain about the smell of my chocolate hotdogs all of the time, but now with Poo-Pourri we can live in a peaceful environment.

The product has recently been endorsed by the custodians of Pacific University, who claimed that the noxious fumes coming from the dormitory bathrooms were affecting their health.

Custodians were frequently getting sick and complained to President Hallick. Constantly being sick caused the custodians to call out from work, which means not getting paid. While many students argue that the UC food is to blame for their green colored Montezuma’s Revenge, university officials feel that the students should be held accountable for the smell of their sphincters.

So join the movement students, because whether it’s the Hershey squirts or the little black pebbles you should always be prepared because the reality is, it’s only natural. With Poo- Pourri you will never have to deal with that awkward rotten egg smell after you take a dump at your lover’s house or in one of the three bathroom stalls in Marsh Hall.

Not only will this help the environment, it will help the hardworking staff that clean our bathrooms everyday.

Purchasing a Poo-Pourri makes going to the bathroom more anonymous than ever.

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‘Poo-Pourri’ product: Pacific Bookstore makes available for all