Boxer athletes dabble with drugs

In a recent turn of events, six Pacific University Boxers from five different sports tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.

Juniors Bruce Balcita, of the wrestling team, and Troy Zuroske, of the men’s tennis team, both tested positive for multiple anabolic steroids and for using deer antler spray, which is a banned substance.  During the 2012-2013 season, Balcita had been cited with making multiple wrestling partners fall unconscious during the pre-match handshake alone.

While compiling an impressive singles and doubles record thus far this season, Zuroske has broken hundreds of tennis rackets and has sent six tennis balls into space. Fellow tennis player Alen Suklje said that Zuroske often blows off some of his “roid rage” by punching partner Giancarlo Battaglia in the face and bench pressing the bleachers.

A recent poll of the student body revealed that the news of Balcita and Zuroske using steroids comes as very little surprise.

Senior Dylan Cramer and sophomore Katie Porter of the swimming team tested positive for using dolphin hormones to increase their swimming speed.  The use of hormones helped Porter break multiple swim records in the 2012-2013 season, including the 50-yard freestyle, the 100-yard freestyle the 50-yard butterfly and the 100-yard butterfly.

The hormones had a very different effect on Cramer, tightening up his vocal chords and starting the growth of what seems to be a dorsal fin growing on his back.

Freshman Tyler Shipley has been cited with blood doping, using the blood of Olympic gold medalist Sanya Richards-Ross.  It is unknown how Shipley acquired the blood but Ross’ husband, Aaron Ross of the New York Giants said, “I don’t know who this kid is. But I’m comin’ to get ‘im.”

Sophmore Bobby Ladiges, running back for Pacific’s football team, tested positive for excessive amounts of keratin, the protein that makes up hair.

After testing positive, NCAA officials accompanied coach Keith Buckley to Ladiges’ locker where they found seven bottles of Rogaine, Maybelline bottles and magazine cutouts of Fabio.