An oak tree was recently chopped down on Marsh Lawn as part of the preparations to make room for the university’s new science complex.
Out of the stump popped biology professor Deke Gundersen. Clad with a bushy head of hair and iconic mustache, it immediately became clear that Gundersen was actually the Lorax.
“Stop!” he cried, “I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! I speak for the trees as the trees have no tongues!”
The facilities crews assured Gundersen that the lumber made from the trees would be used to make “thneeds,” such as toothpicks and children’s craft projects.Dean of Arts and Sciences John Hayes confirmed that the rest of Marsh Lawn was set to be clear-cut, but that if Gundersen had a problem, the university would create a complaint box out of the new excess of lumber.
“We as a university like to encourage an open flow of communication,” said Hayes, “that’s why we have a sustainability website.”
Gundersen insisted that that wasn’t going to be good enough.
“Ladies and gentlemen, listen to me please, I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! Stop the chopping and cutting, burning and smog, to really save the environment we’ll need more than a blog!”
“Perhaps we can compromise,” said Pacific President Lesley Hallick, “You could donate to the new science complex, then we could name it after you?”
Gundersen helped escort the woodpeckers and squirrels away from campus as facilities began to pick off a few more trees and pour concrete into the foundation for the complex.
Where will the birds and squirrels go?
“I don’t hopefully know,” said Gundersen.
Administrators said, “We speak for men and human opportunities and we’re going to keep biggering and biggering!”
After all the trees had been cut down, Gundersen made his final statement to the administration.
“I speak for the trees and I’ll yell and I’ll shout, for the fine things on earth that are on their way out!” shouted Gundersen.
Then Gundersen turned around with a very sad glance, and grabbed himself by the seat of his pants. Then he hoisted himself and took leave of this place through a hole in the smog without leaving a trace.
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