With an unrelenting stream of continuing bed bug outbreaks, Pacific’s administrative officials have decided they are left with no other choice: it’s time to burn down Walter Hall.

Residents are advised to abandon all their personal belongings, as they are likely infested with bed bugs. The university plans to set up a series of tents on the Marsh Lawn to house the displaced students.

“Maybe we could market it as an attempt for the university to be more sustainable?” pondered Pacific President Lesley Hallick. “We would be saving on electricity.”

The Walter burning is scheduled to commence the morning of April 5. A facilities representative said that the facilities team was going to stop by Chevron to pick up some gasoline and marshmallows.

“We’re gonna torch that sucker,” he said.

To prevent the spreading of bed bugs to other resident halls, Housing and Residence Life Director Lisa Geraci said that the hand sanitizer in the hallways would be replaced with insecticide and the halls will receive daily “fogging.” Geraci recommended that students use the provided insecticide “frequently and liberally.”

For the long-term solution, students can look forward to a new residence hall to replace Walter, due to be built sometime before 2056 upon the projected completion of the university’s capital campaign.

Vice President of University Relations Phil Akers said after things quiet down a bit, the marketing department would walk by the student tents on Marsh Lawn with a bucket and bell to collect funds for a new residence hall.

Pacific’s media department was thrilled to hear of the plans. “Maybe we’ll finally move out of the basement to a nicer location,” said one film student.

When asked what she planed to do about the Media Department till the new building was rebuilt, Hallick responded, “We have a Media Department?”

Media students suggested moving into the Berglund Center for the time being, but nothing is official as of yet.



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